Revision Notes

(Working out the kinks in IM)

Etherblade says:
Okay, we'll look at what you wanted to accomplish and how you went about putting that into your poem.

Etherblade says:
The compelling part of the poem that you wanted to get across was how the setting was at the same time rather boring and usual, while literally inches away there was this untamed and potentially surprising area.

Andrea says:
Maybe not precisely "boring" but more or less, yeah.

Etherblade says:
And the barrier, insubstantial though it is, is the window, or lack thereof. Correct?

Andrea says:
Yes.

Etherblade says:
Hmm. This is sort of like turning a book into a movie. You've had the script laid out for you, and you have to write it down. But you can't really embellish that much, otherwise it'll remain untrue to the original viewing.

Etherblade says:
"They wondered, then returned to the orange juice" is a wonderful line.

Etherblade says:
Especially after the bug came in.

Andrea says:
One problematic section I didn't like was the second stanza, trying to describe the house.

Andrea says:
I liked where the stanza ended up but the first couple of lines are week, I think.

Etherblade says:
I was getting to that, actually. My poetry teacher would have cleaned you up.

Andrea says:
Also, the third stanza.

Andrea says:
I had problems setting the scene.

Andrea says:
Because in the dream I was just instantaneously there.

Andrea says:
So I need to think about that a bit.

Etherblade says:
Do you remember what the outside of the house looked like? Colorwise? Material?

Andrea says:
There wasn't one. I didn't "see" it.

Etherblade says:
Ahh, I see. Hmm.

Andrea says:
It started inside the house. So I could embellish a little and try to visualise what I want it to look like. Be more concrete.

Etherblade says:
It might be a stretch, but I'd like to see some sort of defining word in front of something like needle. "A tiny prick on the edge of the forest, a little stucco needle's stab".

Andrea says:
The other thing I could do is just cut those first couple of lines out. Just start with "A new house:"

Etherblade says:
Oh, and if you hadn't explained what the basenjis were, and I'd read the poem first, man. God knows what I'd have thought jumped in there.

Andrea says:
Well, that was deliberate, though. I was trying to depart a bit in there. Just make them nightmare forms.

Etherblade says:
Hmmm.

Andrea says:
In my dream it was dogs, but if I wrote in dogs in the poem I think it would be less effective.

Etherblade says:
I can see where you're coming from, and I can appreciate the effort you're putting there, but I want to know more about them. Not all, just more.

Andrea says:
I agree that I need to expand on that a bit. I just haven't decided what's going in there.

Etherblade says:
Okeedokey then. Any reason for the meter?

Andrea says:
I haven't put a lot of conscious thought into it, but I stuck with the three words at the beginning of the stanza. And I wanted it to feel a little tight. Both the house and the forest are confining and dark, even though their natures are different.

Etherblade says:
So words with maybe short staccato syllables instead of normal languid speech, what you're going for?

Andrea says:
Well, I don't know. I'm going more for a visual tightness than an aural one.

Etherblade says:
Ahhh, I see.

Andrea says:
Although at some stage I need to read it aloud to myself and weed out sounds that don't work either.

Andrea says:
Hey, do you mind if I save this bit of the chat and post some of it to help remind me of what specific things I want to change?

Etherblade says:
Er...you're taking my advice seriously?

Andrea says:
Not so much that but it sparks my own ideas when I bounce them off another person.

Etherblade says:
Oh...well, sure. I should be flattered. :D

Andrea says:
And it confirms some things like I'm not the only one who thinks a particular section is weak. Plus yeah, I value external feedback from a fellow writer! ;-)

Etherblade says:
Hooray!